Day: May 31, 2020

This is the second month’s collection of my Homemade Cartoons. I started adding an afterword/commentary to them recently so I have included those as well from Homemade Cartoon #40 and on…

New post on pawnedaccordionMore Cartoons in the Time of COVID-19 for May 2020by Peter ImberThis is the second month’s collection of my Homemade Cartoons. I started adding an afterword/commentary to them recently so I have included those as well from Homemade Cartoon #40 and on…Since today is Homemade Cartoon #40 I believe a Noah’s Ark reference is appropriate and bittersweet. Noah only had to shelter in place for 40 days.You may or may not know that in Kentucky there is a 500 foot long virtual Noah’s Ark that opened for visitors four years ago. Frankly, I don’t know what’s more unsafe a contemporary cruise ship or an ancient ark with seven– YES SEVEN –pairs of bats! Check out Genesis. It’s not just bats, the ark actually appears to have been significantly overbooked.https://arkencounter.com/blog/2016/06/23/how-many-bats-were-on-noahs-ark/And by the way the late Hunter S. Thompson, the gonzo journalist, is credited with popularizing “batshit crazy” as a more endearing way of saying that something or someone is nuts.—————–“Emperor penguins are as vulnerable and important a symbolfor the effects of climate change in Antarcticaas polar bears are for the Arctic.” –Franz Lanting https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/2020/02/chinstrap-penguins-climate-change-antarctica/Under the heading Most Obscure Holidays is Penguin Awareness Day. We missed it already this year but I’m certain we won’t next year. Why? Because it’s on January 20th and depending on who we elect as our president in November his or her inauguration will take place that same day at high noon.—————–“May: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, October, March, June, December, August and February.” — Mark Twain—————–What exactly is ‘doubling your bubble?’ It’s households picking one other household to interact with, and each of those households may then interact only with the other. They can visit with each other and be in each other’s home, share meals together, and I presume do shopping for and recreate with each other.And what could go wrong? Well, let’s say you’re elderly parents and you have several children with families that include all your grandchildren. If you pick one of your kids to double bubble with, are you hurting the feelings of the others? I’m sure there is a hornet’s nest of potentially uncomfortable scenarios that can be imagined but being Canadians don’t they have an advantage? Aren’t they supposed to be nicer than we Americans? That’s what I’ve always heard.So, I did a little looking into the question and came up with something that may help arrive at an answer. A couple years ago Bryor Snefjella, a PhD student at McMaster University in Ontario published a study that analyzed 40 million tweets over a one year period from both Canadians and Americans and concluded that “it might be the case that we construct our national identities via our linguistic choices.”How’s that? Well, here’s what he found. Words most represented in American tweets were more negative and words represented in Canadian tweets were more positive. Mr. Snefjella wasn’t even looking for this. He was initially studying differences in our dialects but found that even the tweeted emojis reflected this same divide between being naughty or nice. Just look at the two word clouds. Each represents the top 250 words tweeted by Americans and Canadians. The larger the word in the cloud the more times it appeared in tweets by those on either side of the border.Here’s America… And here’s Canada…The difference is striking, no? And it would be easy to sum up Snefjella’s work by simply calling it Great Shit.But there’s a caveat. The study relied on tweets tweeted (when you say that out loud it sounds like the name of a Looney Tunes character or a deceased Belgian harmonica virtuoso) from February 2015 to February 2016 which of course was a year that saw the rise and election of Donald Trump as President of the United States.No matter. In any event it’s kind of clear which country’s populous was and probably still is happier.—————–Although paper originated in China in the second century B.C., the first recorded use of paper for cleansing is from the 6th century in medieval China, discovered in the texts of scholar Yen Chih-Thui. In 589 A.D, he wrote:“Paper on which there are quotations or commentaries from the Five Classics or the names of sages, I dare not use for toilet purposes.”And for your book group’s next meeting how about a dive into excrement in the Late Middle Ages. Yes, it’s a book…Sacred Filth and Chaucer’s Fecopoetics by Susan Signe MorrisonAnd here’s praise to convince those skeptics… “Morrison’s study offers an engagingly written book that makes a convincing case for the cultural significance of the medieval fecal and that elucidates Chaucer’s poetry in thoughtful ways.” — The Medieval ReviewOr if you are thinking of springing a surprise, you can just tell them that this will be a read that will keep them on the edge of their seats.—————–Hey Groucho, social distancing as a means of safeguarding you or us from you has been around longer than you might think. As added protection we might be using masks right now but in the Victorian era enormous skirts inadvertently may have actually helped prevent the spread of smallpox and cholera. “Crinolinemania” –the fashion craze of the day– however, had a down side. Women actually burned to death if their giant hoop skirts caught fire. Still, this trendy style served another valuable purpose by keeping unwanted male attention at more than arm’s length pretty effortlessly.Will we see fashion adapt in our time of COVID-19?  Well, yesterday Adobe’s Digital Economy Index, which tracks more than 100 million product varieties online showed that pajama sales spiked 143% in April from March!Hey Groucho, and remember what you said about PJs in Animal Crackers?“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.”—————–THE FRENCH LAUNDRYWe just started doing takeout on weekends and are lucky to have some really good options here in Midcoast Maine. So far it’s been Thai and pizza both of which are takeout standards for us. We do have a nearby KFC where a bucket of fried chicken is $14.99. The closest P.F. Chang’s is in Boston and their Kung Pao Shrimp would be $15.95. I know I could enjoy both but the takeout I’d really like to sample is 3,254 miles away from us at a place called the French Laundry.Thomas Keller opened his restaurant in Yountville, CA in 1994. The building had once been a French steam laundry, hence the name, and one would be hard pressed to find an eating establishment that’s been awarded more honors. It’s rated three Michelin stars since 2006 and been praised for being the Best Restaurant in the World by the late Anthony Bourdain among others.Now, in pre pandemic times a meal at the French Laundry would have cost you over $300 and perhaps as much as $600 a person for its prix fixe menu with or without wine pairings. Want to bring your own bottle? Fine, but the amount charged to you for drinking it will be $150.So, now in the time of COVID-19 with restaurants being kicked to the curb what’s happening at the French Laundry? Well, below is the takeout offering from Thomas Keller for last evening:$23 WITH REHEATING INSTRUCTIONS INCLUDED!!! Looks like a gastronomic giveaway, no? Ok, not enough perhaps to jump in the car and drive coast to coast but could I have that delivered?Jo and I once had a pastrami sandwich sent Next Day Air as a birthday present for her father from Langer’s Deli in Los Angles to Rockland, ME. The cost was a $100. Expensive? Yes. Money well spent? You bet. He loved it. But record setting? Not even close.According to the Guinness Book of World Records (Who else?) in 2006 Niko Apostolakis in Wellington, New Zealand had a pizza flown to him from Madrid, Spain, a distance of 12,347 miles as the crow flies. For its trouble the crow got the anchovies.—————–LET’S GET AWAY FROM IT ALL(with apologies to songwriters Tom Adair and Matt Dennis)You say that you’re such a big shotWhy can’t you just make a call Let’s sign a contract so we can go get packedLet’s get away from it allLet’s make the drive wearing pampersNo need to stop at a mallBut maybe Sag Harbor, you sure need a barberLet’s get away from it allWe’ll travel ’round along the SoundWe’ll check out each estateAnd act discreet but so eliteAs we our needs dictate Make sure you take your ViagraF___ me! Manhattan’s a pall Let’s leave our cage, dearIt’s all the rage, dearLet’s get away from it allCreating a parody of a song is fun and it can be a brutal vehicle for satire. This particular tune came to mind right away after reading the Times article. I certainly don’t have it in for New Yorkers. I was one for a couple years after college but the article is just such easy pickins.  You know, long ago I thought that I’d still be listening to Stairway to Heaven as I got closer to climbing it but ever since we moved to Maine my musical preferences have been the Big Bands, Sinatra, Fitzgerald– the so called Great American Songbook. It certainly must reflect this stage of life. If I were to try to dance to Purple Haze now, I’d risk turning purple.  Close to where I grew up in Pennsylvania was the Sunnybrook Ballroom in Pottstown. My father told me about going there to hear Benny Goodman and Glenn Miller back in the 1930s. When he talked about it I could imagine him as a young man and I sensed the energy and excitement he must have felt. But that doesn’t explain why I’m listening to his music these days and not my own. I don’t need to know why. I’m very happy time traveling.  And so this was a nice opportunity to take my newfound affinity for the old standards a step further. And there’s one lyric in my parody in particular that I want to point out. It’s this one:  “And act discreet but so eliteas we our needs dictate.”  The great song “Body and Soul” has this: “My life a wreck you’re makingYou know I’m yours for just the taking.””MY LIFE A WRECK YOU’RE MAKING?”Whenever I hear Frank Sinatra sing that I break into a smile. And I just discovered that many native American languages place the verb at the end of a sentence and because they do they’re called “verb-final” languages.And I thought it was only Yiddish where this kind of thing you did!Here’s a link to Sinatra singing “Let’s Get Away From It All” with Tommy Dorsey and his orchestra…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ez1EnoV1ACI—————–Referencing historical touchstones to fit the moment is a given when something as huge as a pandemic happens. COVID-19 has been compared to Pearl Harbor as an act of war that we must respond to and repel and it’s been called a Sputnik like event that should wake us up to seize the opportunity to fix what’s broken.But there are also cultural touchstones that are part of our heritage and The Wizard of Oz is larger than a mere stone and more like a boulder in that hierarchy. For 40 years it was shown annually on network television except for 1963 after the assassination of President Kennedy. Knowing the flaws of each of Dorothy’s fellow travelers might as well be included on a basic American civics test. So, it didn’t surprise me that when I Googled the movie and coronavirus just now I got a list of articles with headings like these:The Message Of The Wizard Of Oz Is Fit For A Pandemic The COVID-19 Pandemic: A Reverse Wizard Of Oz?Coronavirus, Donald Trump, And The Wizard Of Oz Presidency A Wizard Of Oz Virus: The COVID-19 HoaxA jumble of different perspectives and as is the rule and hardly ever the exception anymore a reflection of our politics and divisions.My own story about The Wizard of Oz is a short non partisan one. It took almost 70 years for the midgets who played the Munchkins to get their own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I got to cover that event and to meet and interview seven of the nine Munchins who were still alive in 2007. They were delightful and sang for us as if they had just stepped off their sound stage.Why did it take so long for them to be given this honor that was routinely bought by movie studios to promote their stars? I never received a satisfactory answer but the Munchkin actors I met were thrilled to be immortalized on a piece of the sidewalk that day.A total of 124 actors played Munchkins in The Wizard of Oz. The last surviving one, Jerry Maren, who was there for the ceremony, died in 2018 at the age of 98.”We finally got recognized,” Maren said. “You know, after everybody else died, they said, ‘Who’s left?'”And by the way the Munchkins never got screen credits and the dog who played Toto made more than twice the weekly salary each of them were payed for their work. There’s always interesting stuff to be discovered when you go behind the curtain…Here’s a link to that piece I produced for Good Morning: America:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkAnKZgvJDw—————– Lysol Timeline                              1889– First Lysol brand antiseptic disinfectant introduced in 1889 to help end a cholera epidemic in Germany.1911– Poisoning by drinking Lysol was the most common means of suicide in Australia and New York.1918– During the Spanish flu pandemic Lysol disinfectant was used effectively against the influenza virus. Newspaper advertisements called for using Lysol to clean anything that came in contact with patients. Late 1920s– Lysol was marketed as a famine hygiene product for vaginal douching. Its makers claimed that a diluted Lysol solution prevented infections. This Lysol solution was also used as a means of birth control. Post-coital douching became a popular method of preventing pregnancy at that time.1962– Lysol Disinfectant Spray by way of aerosol application is made available.2020– A package of Lysol disinfecting wipes that usually cost $14 is priced at $220 on Amazon.Warhol’s Soup CansIn 1962 Andy Warhol’s Campbell’s soup cans paintings went on display in a gallery in Los Angeles. Warhol had painted each of the 32 varieties of Campbell’s soup available at the time and the asking price for each individual painting was $100. Only five of the paintings sold including one– Tomato –that was bought by actor and art collector Dennis Hopper.Warhol was to paint the individual cans numerous times and silkscreened them as a group which became their most iconic representation. In 1996 all 32 of the stand alones were purchased by the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA) for $15 million or $468,750 a can. “Mmm Mmm Good” but Warhol had died almost a decade earlier.John GnagyAnybody remember a television show on Saturday mornings in the early 1950s called “Learn to Draw” with John Gnagy? I do and I watched the 15 minute lessons Gnagy gave every week but never learned to draw at all. If my elementary school art teacher were still alive she’d back me up. Seeing Gnagy so easily turn a blank page into a sailboat or a row of telephone poles to me was like watching a magician.Others who tuned in overcame any awe they may have felt and used his lessons to take their first step toward careers as artists working at Marvel and Disney. Andy Warhol claimed he learned to draw from watching the show. Gnagy never earned much from the television series but his Learn to Draw kits and books sold in the millions.Here’s a link to a Learn to Draw TV program from the 50s…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQyXzwJRUN4&t=39s—————–I am a big Buster Keaton fan and at the end of one of his short films, The Boat, his character is lost on the water and his wife asks, “Where are we?” He responds with the name of the boat they’re in and says, “Damfino.” That’s the answer for how long I’ll be doing these.Each of us is experiencing the pandemic in our own way and my coping mechanism turns out to be staying busy doing stuff like this and looking at our isolation as an opportunity rather than adversity.We all have our own unique story that we’ve lived which has formed us and through these cartoons I guess I’ve been telling mine. If you know someone who might like receiving them give them my email:peter.imber@gmail.comand I’ll subscribe them.PeterFor this 50th cartoon I’ve attached a link to a song that I love by the late Steve Goodman titled “Door Number Three.” It’s about “Let’s Make a Deal.”If you’re from Chicago or a Cubs fan, you’ve likely heard of Goodman. His song “Go, Cubs, Go” is played after every game the team wins at Wrigley Field. His most famous song is “City of New Orleans” which Arlo Guthrie was the first to record but has been covered by many others.Goodman lived with leukemia for the entire length of his recording career and gave himself the nickname Cool Hand Leuk. He died in 1984 at the age of 36.Here’s the link to Goodman singing “Door Number Three”:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyB39D6x7YYAnd here’s my own up close and personal moment of game show infamy…How I Failed As A Game Show ContestantI moved to Los Angeles in 1979 to go to film school at UCLA. I managed a 16 unit apartment building and worked part time at a Radio Shack. I also tried out for a game show. There was an audition and a test of some kind. I must have passed because I got a call afterward offering me the chance to be a contestant.The show was called The Cross-Wits and, like probably all of these programs, a week’s worth of them was taped in a single day. I showed up, waited my turn and then it was lights, camera and ultimately, not enough action. Let me explain.How the game itself was played isn’t important. The celebrity I was paired with isn’t important either. I mean that literally. I’d never heard of her and I’m pretty sure you haven’t either. Anyway, I won the first game and from the point of view of the producers of the show you can be sure they wish I hadn’t.You see after my win the announcer rattled off the list of what I had won. There was a lot of stuff. I don’t even remember all of it but in the loot were umbrellas, a clothes iron, an undercarriage sealant for my car, coupons for a soft drink and the big kahuna, a combination electric range and oven with a built in microwave.Now, the apartment I got for free as manager of my building included appliances and my utilities. As the grand prize was being described, I’m thinking what the hell am I going to do with a range and oven I don’t need? And in that moment the fact that just about every house and apartment in Southern California is hooked up to natural gas also crossed my mind. Nobody has electric!I don’t think I frowned but I certainly wasn’t jumping up and down nor displaying the pro forma “I am one lucky shit” grin. Suddenly, there was the show’s producer standing beside the camera that was aimed at me. He put a finger of each hand in the sides of his mouth and stretched it. I didn’t react. He then rocked his body side to side as he continued imploring me to be jubilant. I still didn’t take the bait.I didn’t win another game that day but signed a form for my prizes afterward which turned out to be a “shoot me if I ever do this again” move. Now, I had to pay taxes on what I thought I was receiving gratis. In short order I discovered that applying the undercarriage sealant on my relatively new car would void its warranty and that my local supermarket was unhappy because my coupons for Welch’s carbonated strawberry soda were mega and I wiped out the store’s entire supply of the stuff every time I used one.The umbrellas and the clothes iron were fine but the grand prize turned out to be a giant headache. First, I had no place to put it. A combination range, stove and microwave would last just a few hours if left standing alone in its box outside in my carport. Then a lucky break– a friend who had a garage agreed to let me store it there while I put an ad in the newspaper offering it for sale. That was my only lucky break.I ran the ad for over a month spending well over $150. There were no takers. I finally gave the thing away to a charity and got a tax deduction that I remember being less than the taxes I payed on my windfall and the fruitless ads .And one other thing. When my appearance on the Cross-Wits aired one afternoon a month later and reached the moment where I failed miserably to act like a euphoric winner you never saw me. Instead you saw pictures of the junk I won that I wished I hadn’t. I had been edited out and relegated to the dustbin of game show history.Here’s another tune from Steve Goodman that I think you’ll agree fits my tale of game show woe pretty perfectly…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s81r8SzEuPY—————–I guess you might call this one an inside joke…That’s a play on words, a pun. Yeah, you didn’t want to be reminded of that. So, why do so many people grimace and moan when they see or hear a pun? Don’t they realize how little work goes into making them?I don’t know when or why I began punning but I proudly pun and because I experience the slings and arrows of outrage on occasion from those who look upon this type of wordplay as my affliction and their misfortune. I happen to think a lot of it is feigned — fake boos. But maybe I’m kidding myself.I think for me punning is almost an involuntary reflex. My mind just goes there. I can’t shut it down. I PUN therefore I AM and I will continue to pun wherever I am. Now, there is a difference between smart puns and dumb puns and maybe it’s like knowing the difference between good wine and cheap wine. For many of us that requires education and experience.The source of humor is actually nothing to laugh about. A legendary professor of mine in film school, a man named Howard Suber, summarized it this way. “Show me a happy comedian and I’ll show you someone on the way down.” Case in point… I just read an article that contended that now that Jerry Seinfeld is nearly a billionaire he isn’t funny anymore.I don’t want to over analyze “funny” but I just looked this up and someone has compiled a list of the nine types of humor they think exist:1. Physical or slapstick2. Self-deprecating3. Surreal or absurd4. Improvisational5. Droll or deadpan6. Observational7. Potty or bathroom8. Dark or gallows9. PunsSo, physical comedy is first and puns are last. Hmmm… You know I actually had an experience that combined the two once. I went to this comedy club in LA where Chevy Chase was doing a standup act or in his case a fall down one. But that night he didn’t show up and another guy came out and was terrible and even worse he was doing a lot of stupid puns.A stranger at the next table heard me being critical and complaining that this wasn’t at all what I had come to see. He was smiling. In fact he was glowing when he said to me about the performer, “He ain’t Chevy. He’s my brother.”Got ya!—————– Donald Trump, you might already know, is the first president in 120 years not to have a dog in the White House. Last year he explained why at a rally in El Paso.“I wouldn’t mind having one, honestly, but I don’t have any time. How would I look walking a dog on the White House lawn?”Human perhaps?Hey, it is his prerogative but maybe his son would like to have one? My family had a dog when I was growing up. She, a diva-like French poodle, was intended to be “the boys’ dog.” She quickly became our mother’s dog and I swear they used to play double solitaire together.Anyway, I’ve come up with a little poem, a doggerel if you will, that won’t make me poet laureate but could provoke a few barks from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. and maybe some howls from the rest of you….I’m not a cat fanIn fact I can’t standThat cats could care less that I’m thereBut dogs I adoreMy faith they restoreWe’re both needy and that’s totally fairI’m happy to petThey’re happy to getMy reward is the pleasure they feelSuch a simple exchangeA cinch to arrangeIt is the true Art of the Deal—————– When I think of travel and especially air travel these days and in the future I think of a show tune. You know, from Oliver– “Who will buy…” I’m not at all sure when I will purchase a ticket and get on an airplane again. Flying had become enough of a horror show before COVID-19 and add the potential for psychological distress to the certainty of physical discomfort and there are officially no more friendly skies.And here’s the late great John Candy in a scene from Planes, Trains and Automobiles to sort of make the point that despite everything the skies can still be overly friendly, too…What’s notable about this bit is that it wasn’t in the final cut of the film. John Hughes, the director, left it out and apparently had shot enough footage to have made a three hour movie.., Talk about overbooking!https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztbHu8PMMzU —————–When in the past had you ever heard the word zoom used? For me only two things come to mind. One is a zoom lens for a camera and the other Jackie Gleason’s The Honeymooners when ZOOM! was part of Ralph Kramden’s rants threatening Alice with physical violence.If he had followed through, it would have had her reaching the moon ahead of Neil Armstrong. How that was acceptable in comedy and on television in the 1950s seems absolutely unbelievable and crazy today.So, where does this word zoom come from? Well, it appears it’s either from the Dutch or German zoomen or the Finnish zoomata. It’s an onomatopoeia– I had to spell that word correctly to get out of the 8th grade. This is the first time I’ve done it since. Zoom is an attempt to mimic the sound of something humming or whizzing by you.Investigator that I am I looked into whether there might be a deeper meaning for zoom. Couldn’t find anything so I employed a Kabbalistic approach– a form of Jewish mysticism that has attracted dabblers from Madonna to Marla Maples.Kabbalah uses letters and numbers to explain the universe. I wasn’t traveling that far so I stuck with just the letters. Hmmm… so, when you drop the first two letters of zoom you are left with om. Now, I thought I’m on to something. Was there possibly some transcendental connection? Yes! Who can deny that we in the West often zoom when we’d be better off if we’d slow down and om.I have been doing my own daily yoga routine for months now and although I’m not perceiving any spiritual awakening my body and my back in particular are very grateful that I chose this path. With the pandemic I’ve experienced, I guess, both the zoom boom and an om boon.However, I’m afraid I’m close to being Zoomed out at this point. Zoom fatigue has set in. But two last things about the burgeoning company Zoom that’s become as indispensable to many others as… well, toilet paper. First, according to Glassdoor, which evaluates such things, in 2019 Zoom was the second best place to work in the United States. I guess so. If ever there was a company where you could just call it in…And where did the company’s name come from. It took a bit of digging but I found that out. One of the early employees took it from a book he read to his kids… —————–We’re a big country and many of us don’t have someone to remember who lost his life in a war, let alone fought in one. So what do we think of first when we hear the words Memorial Day? Little wonder that it’s a picnic or a shopping opportunity.I’m an admirer of the sculptor Claes Oldenburg. I just checked and he’s still alive and in his nineties. My absolute favorite thing of his is an idea for a sculpture that he never created. Back in the 1960s Oldenburg did a series of drawings that he called “Colossal Monuments.” One of them was a war memorial. I’m inserting a rendering he made of it below…It was to be a giant block of concrete as high as the buildings that surrounded it that would have been placed in the middle of the intersection of Canal St. and Broadway in Manhattan. Oldenburg would have had the names of “war heroes” carved in it.Was Oldenburg making a serious anti-war statement with his idea to disrupt New York City traffic permanently in one place? Was his intent to have people curse being inconvenienced and war simultaneously? As far fetched as it seemed Oldenburg’s conception for this memorial made sense to me when I saw his drawing for the first time. Afterward I figured it was more like a satirical aside.Since then I’ve been to the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington and was quite moved. I knew people killed in that war that I myself didn’t have to go to– nobody who was a close friend but high school and college classmates whose names I could find on the wall. Seeing all the names of those who had died was a jolt. The Vietnam War Memorial is a destination you don’t just happen upon. You know where it is and why you’ve come to see it even if you don’t know how you are going to react..In retrospect I think plugging up Canal St. and Broadway would have made a powerful war memorial but it would have needed to be a temporary obstruction and constantly moved to someplace else without any advance notice. That way it might have pissed you off when you suddenly encountered it for two reasons and you could have blamed both the traffic and all wars for your being late.Our public reminders of the cost of wars are mostly way too polite. So, what should we think of today on our nation’s Memorial Day? For a start how about this? Let’s not call it a holiday. It’s not a celebration. It’s an observance. Memorial Day is the one day a year set aside to actually remember and think about those who died in America’s wars and didn’t get to grow old and be here for the picnics and the sales.—————–About ten years ago I remember coming across a bizarre story. A study was published that had found that nearly nine out of ten bills circulating in the United States were tainted with traces of cocaine. Of course it wasn’t enough of the drug that you had any chance of getting high if you tried to snort your money but jeez! Drug dealers were obviously not laundering their cash with Tide.So, here we are with a current fear of contamination from just about anything and it’s potentially worse than getting busted. Can you get COVID-19 from merely touching money? The thought is that the risk is extremely low but like so many things about the pandemic many people, both buyers and sellers, are not taking any chances and using or accepting only credit cards and digital/electronic means for transactions. We were already moving on. The tag line in a credit card commercial “What’s in your wallet?” is asking about your plastic and not your Washingtons, Lincolns, Hamiltons, Jacksons or other members of this all boys club.I certainly haven’t had a need to use much cash since March and the only bills I have left are all twenties. As far as I know there are no ATM’s that dispense anything other than twenties even if I wanted smaller denominations but this lack of currency diversity really hasn’t caused any problems for me. It seems likely that COVID-19 will accelerate the demise of cash and certainly the $1 bill and even its more valued brethren may become about as useful as pennies, nickels and dimes.For now just as hands aren’t touching hands, bills don’t seem to be changing hands much either. I hope the ones tainted with cocaine have been in detox and recovery by now. I guess there’s not enough access to testing for the others. They’re in a lockdown just like us.—————–I’m going to brag! I have lost a lot of weight so far since COVID-19 altered so many things about our lives. Was the pandemic my inspiration to do this? Well, it certainly provided a helpful setting. It’s a hell of lot easier to focus on dieting when you don’t have a lot of the usual temptations and distractions.I am still overweight but I’m not done and getting this far hasn’t been as hard as I expected. I’ve really stepped up exercising and Jo has been making us meals that adhere to the curb the carbs approach prescribed by a dietitian I consulted.Sure, it’s on me that I got fat in the first place but you see I didn’t come from a roughage neighborhood. I grew up in the pretzel and potato chip center of the universe– the Pennsylvania Dutch Country. The airport in Reading, PA had to adapt to the fact that the residents of Berks County are heavy– and I don’t mean frequent –travelers. How did the airport adjust? Well, I haven’t measured but I’ve been told that the runway is now as wide as it is long!But seriously, if you’ve had your medical specimens sent anywhere by way of Quest Diagnostics’ fleet of airplanes, guess where their home airport is? Being located at the Reading Airport probably saves a bunch of flights. The emergency room at Reading Hospital is the 10th busiest in the country with 135,000 ER visits a year. A ranking by Gallup-Healthways called the “Well-Being Index” ranked the city as having the 10th highest percentage of obese people in the nation so there’s the evidence that if you’re overweight in Reading your heart is probably in the right place.When I was growing up Reading called itself the “Pretzel Capital of the World” and a traditional grade school field trip was to a Bachman’s pretzel factory. Downtown on the main street there were soft pretzel vendors pushing their wares and their carts into the 1960s. I’d pay a nickel and hope I was getting one that had been made that same day but even the day olds were pretty good.In the summer at our public swimming pool pretzel rods along with frozen Milky Ways were the best sellers at the snack bar. The application of a generous line of mustard on the pretzel rod was as de rigueur as the pool’s medallion patch your mother sewed on your bathing suit.As far as I’m concerned the best pretzel you can buy today is still made in Reading. The brand is called Unique and they’ve even made their way to some of the smaller markets where we live in Maine.But I was always more of a potato chip guy and the Pennsylvania Dutch Country seemed to have as many potato chip companies as startups in Silicon Valley. And yes, I do have a favorite– Diffenbach’s. Like all the best chips, they only have three ingredients all of which are deemed life threatening: potatoes, 100% lard shortening and salt. When you eat these chips your skin gets greasy enough to slip out of handcuffs. However, the websiteFooducate.com gives Diffenbach’s chips a passing grade, a D+. In Reading food is pass/fail.My best friend Ken sends me bags of Diffenbach’s every year for my birthday. I now have two in our pantry. When I hit my target weight I’ll open one. Until then I intend to remain alive.THE BEST PRETZELS(11 oz. bag 1210 calories)THE BEST CHIPS!(8 oz. bag has 1,217 calories)There’s one supermarket in Reading that actually has two entire aisles for pretzels and potato chips. One is for the national brands. The other is for the local ones. In Reading “shop until you drop” is not uttered lightheartedly.—————–I’ve just realized that I’ve never attempted to yodel. I don’t even try to sing either. I can’t carry a tune or even make one out and I have a story to prove it which shouldn’t surprise anyone who has been receiving my cartoons and commentary at this point.As I write right now I’m listening to WQXR– a classical music radio station in New York City. I listen to it a lot and a lot more since March. It’s soothing, a reminder that the world hasn’t yet descended into total darkness.I love classical music and the credit for that goes to my father and the Food Fair supermarket. In the late 1950s somebody had the idea that the greatest classical music could be widely marketed and I mean marketed literally. A collection called “The Basic Library of the World’s Greatest Music” totaling 24 records was sold at supermarket chains nationwide. The cost was originally less than a dollar an album.My father purchased the set of all 24 incrementally, which I guess means he made at least two dozen shopping trips to the Food Fair that my mother didn’t. I don’t remember ever being encouraged to listen to the records but when I started to I was hooked, especially by the romantic offerings like Rimsky Korsakov’s Scheherazade and Dvorak’s New World Symphony.Each album came with a booklet that included information about the music and short biographies of the composers. This well of information would eventually provide me with a well deserved lesson in humility.In my 8th grade music class part of the state mandated curriculum was an introduction to classical music and our teacher played some of the same pieces that I had already heard at home– remember when record player/radio consoles were a piece of furniture?Anyway, I couldn’t help myself and when our teacher would tell us about a work and its composer that I had read about, I chimed in with something I knew that she hadn’t mentioned. I even compounded my smart aleckeyness by volunteering to do reports on a few composers I particularly liked.At the end of the school year we took the state mandated final exam. It counted for half our grade and was a weird way to evaluate what we had learned. The teacher sat down at the piano and our task was to determine if the scales she played were ascending or descending. I couldn’t hear any difference. I really couldn’t.At our last class she was about to read out each of our final grades. but there was a pause before she began and I knew what was coming after she said this…”Not everyone this year who did the most work, did well on the final which as you know makes up half your final grade.”She started announcing them. There were a lot of A’s– we were the so-called accelerated group –but then she got to me…”Peter, D on the final, B- for the year.”I sat in the back of the room and at that moment a lot of heads turned toward me with big grins on their faces. I had earned them.Later in life I came to realize what was a huge embarrassment at the time had a silver lining. I figure it this way. Why did I love classical music more than the other kids? Easy– I hear it differently!Below is what those record albums in the World’s Greatest Music series looked like. I saw on Amazon you can purchase the whole set for $100 but of course you need a turntable hooked up to an amplifier and speakers to play them. Who has that stuff any more?—————–When I was a kid and needed a haircut my mother gave me two bucks and I rode my bike a couple miles to the barbershop. The barber was an Italian immigrant named George who worked alone. If I had to wait, it was Ok. George always had a stack of great comic books.I have one wonderful memory about getting my hair cut that goes back over 50 years. My last two years of high school were at a boarding school north of Boston where we were required to see the barber every month. He set up in a dormitory basement and appointments were scheduled every 15 minutes. A couple of mine early on just happened to be at 8 p.m. when the radio the barber brought with him was tuned to a station in New York City. “The Theme from Studio X” played and for the rest of those two years I made sure my monthly haircuts were always at 8 so I could hear it.I think I may have been the only kid in the school who looked forward to getting his hair cut. I loved that music. Thanks to the internet and YouTube “The Theme from Studio X” and I were reunited a number of years ago. It’s quite dramatic. Take a listen.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NACuHamGh_gI’ve never paid a lot of attention to my hair and before the pandemic there hadn’t been a lot of it to pay attention to. I was a welcome client at my local barber shop because I always got a buzzcut– the number one clipper attachment blade –which left me just short of having my head shaved. I was in and out of the chair in less than 10 minutes. In baseball there’s a term called “keep the line moving” when there’s a rally happening and the batter up is exhorted to get the next hit. In my barbershop I was a clutch hitter with a .400 average.So, I haven’t had a haircut since February and I’m actually quite pleased to see that my hair, when given the chance, does still grow enough to warrant a trim. In fact yesterday I ordered a barber’s scissors made of Japanese stainless steel no less. I’m not planning on using it on myself by myself. Certainly not! I’d likely perform a double Van Gogh if I tried. Jo is willing to cut my hair although I am now a bit concerned about her experience and skill level after she said, “Maybe there’s a video?”I haven’t even considered entering my barbershop– add hair salons and barbershops and those who work in them to the list of things that may have been badly hurt and possibly changed forever by COVID-19. I’ve found an interview with a Boston barber who expressed his remorse about his new normal.“I’ve run my shop like it’s 1950 for so long. It was walk-ins only. We’ve never taken appointments. Part of the ambiance of the place is the people that are in there, and the banter that goes back and forth, and guys just hanging out. I think we’ll survive and be alright, but the identity of my shop has been completely stripped from me. I worked so long and hard making this a neighborhood staple. Now it’s a men’s salon by appointment only, where a masked man cuts your hair, and that’s all it’s gonna be.”Barbershops and beauty parlors were places in communities where men and women lingered to joke and gossip and connect. Even before the pandemic that banter had no doubt been reduced. Smartphones replaced it.  Random conversations seemed to be less common. Now, are robotic haircuts so we won’t even talk with a barber or hairdresser what lie ahead? Howdy Doody will never cut my hair but will going to the barbershop in the future be like sitting in a silent peanut gallery? Hope not.—————–The puzzle book series “Where’s Waldo” was called “Where’s Wally” in Britain where the books were authored and first published in the 1980s. The Wally/Waldo books have sold over 50 million copies world wide.One of them was banned for a while in parts of the United States when something held offensive was uncovered. Waldo’s creator, Martin Handford, had drawn a beach scene with a topless woman sunbather. Once he found out about the censors he participated in a coverup.But where’s Biden? Did you find him in the sushi? I’ve been calling him the designated driver candidate– the guy who didn’t drink at the party and is entrusted with getting those who did home safely. I’m not sure however, if the country can wait for that ride home. The present holder of the keys to the nation’s fate doesn’t drink but the only thing he drives is a golf cart and he won’t let us see if he’s even capable of handling that. Biden needs to get moving. Sheltering in the basement may be a safe place to be when there’s a tornado warning but the country’s on fire now.   I can’t think of anything more to say about Joe other than the future of the United States will be determined by who wins the next presidential election and if I have to risk my health to vote for him I’ll do it. I try not to think about what happens if he loses.But let’s move on to sushi.I confess I am a sushi snob. Here in Vacationland I live in crustacean land where the lobster roll is king and the spicy tuna roll is an outlier and I really haven’t found sushi that compares with what I’m used to.